Born Gay?

The Question

How do I convince a gay person that he wasn't born gay? I tried asking if he had any bad experience when he was young and he said no. I did find out that he was a "mama's boy." Does that affect a person's emotional behavior?

- C. from unknown city

The Answer
Part 1: Dilemma for gays
Part 2: Is there freedom and how can we minister?

Dilemma for gays (Part 1)

I do not believe for a moment that people are born gay. God would not weave someone together in their mother's womb a homosexual and then condemn same sex behavior as sin. On the other hand, I'm not sure trying to convince a person they were not born that way has any value.

Let's look at it from their shoes. Gay men and women usually DO feel they were born that way or at least they feel a deep confusion about why they are saddled with these feelings that seem to go down to the core of their being. Often they will say that from the time they were a very small child they knew they were "different" but didn't know why until they were older.

I will tell you something else. Most gays (or at least a great many) would trade in their homosexuality to be like the other 97% of people if they thought that was possible. They often feel hopeless to change and so they eventually accept and then embrace that lifestyle because the struggle and loneliness are too much to bear.

Once I asked a gay relative of mine if there was a button on the wall that he could push that would reverse it all and make him heterosexual, would he want to do it. "Yes, of course" he said, "Anyone would but there is no such button."

Part of your question asks about causes. You wonder if being a "mama's boy" was part of it. You also asked him if he had a bad experience. Whether he did or not; that is a deeply personal question and he may not be comfortable laying out his life before your eyes. So it is important to be sensitive when probing another person's life - especially in such a delicate area. Plus, even if an "event" created a trigger in this person's life, he is still stuck with the results.

Is there freedom and how can we minister? (Part 2)

The causes of homosexuality are complicated and layered and I certainly am not an expert. I'm not sure anyone knows it all on this subject. I do personally believe this: homosexuality always represents sexual brokenness.

The trigger for each person may vary. It may be brokenness in a parental relationship or maybe demonic activity based on generational curses or sexual sin such as molestation or sexual abuse. Somewhere along the line the person swallows a lie of Satan that further entrenches them. They make decisions about themselves based on the original lie until they become what the devil says they are instead of the person God intended.

There is also a lie out there that says it is impossible to be set free. That is not the truth. Many have received healing for their sexual brokenness.

I believe your question was really prompted by a desire to say or do something that will help in the healing process. You know that Christ is the forgiver, deliverer and healer and you want this friend to seek all of that. You don't want him to believe that there is no way out.

There is a very important thing you can do to help and it has nothing to do with passing on information or proving anything. You can extend genuine love without judgment. Most gays have experienced enough judgment to last them a lifetime. I'm not aware that any person ever left their homosexuality because of someone else's judgmental attitude.

Homosexuality has been treated differently than any other sin by the Church. It has been elevated to the top of the pile: the worst sin in the world. The Church has therefore not extended real help to those who struggle with this issue. Maybe there are many that could be helped in the stage where they are confused and struggling if they felt safe to discuss this within church circles.

We all have a long way to go as we reach out with understanding yet without condoning sin. We need God's help and genuine spiritual discernment as we tackle this tough issue. But that's okay. "With God, all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)

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